Once upon a time I depended on what I looked like on the outside to determine how I felt on the inside (picture on left) I worked out hard and ate right and I convinced myself that the outside was finally looking good enough to make a shift on the inside. Here’s the problem with that. I had been here before, but each and every time I’d end up gaining the weight back. The most recent results were supposed to be the exception to this because I had done it “right.” I didn’t participate in any fad diet or workout. I simply ate right and hit the gym. The problem was that so many other things in my life were being done SO wrong that when I finally got the rest of that right the most superficial part of my life took a hit AGAIN (picture on right).
Lucky guess what it was? Yup, my weight loss. What was missing? Why was I feeling the same way each and every time? Well through prayer and submitting and surrendering to Jesus I learned what was missing – Him! My outer appearance was simply another way to cope with however I felt. Same way I’d use a glass (or two or three) of wine, or a girls night out full of gossip and ill language. My life was aligned with everything opposite of His word. I was a believer sure, but one who had both feet and eyes planted in this world and my back was facing God.
Fast forward, half of my weight loss gained, but NOT miserable or unhappy or discontent. Of course I still have some moments of insecurities because the flesh is weak and the enemy makes it his mission to prey on those. You know what’s interesting though? I had many many more of those moments when I was at my lowest weight! Because on the inside my heart wasn’t changed at all. Sure, I could have started my walk with Christ without having gained this weight back, but I didn’t. I allowed every single part of me to be submerged by God and His word because I knew/know that I will never ever have true and genuine permanent results in any area of my life unless I allowed Him to strip me of every worldly and superficial motivation. My weight loss had always been just that. I masked it with messages of self care and what not, but in reality it was full of vanity, pride, and fooling myself into thinking it would transform me on the inside. God can only do that. I promise you.
I’m 40 lbs heavier, about to get bigger because of my 3rd baby on the way, and I feel a peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7) I don’t hide in pictures or avoid them. I just don’t seek the external approval I used to crave and enjoy so much. I don’t grow anxious in a fitting room. I love my body. None of that negativity can ever penetrate my heart or mind the way it used to because my cup overflows with Him – nothing else. God created us in His image (Genesis 1:27) and He loves me and that is sufficient. Corinthians 6: 19-20 reminds us that we are not our own. Until we live for Him and His word that gnawing dissatisfaction about what we look like on the outside or how we feel on the inside will never go away.
With all of that said, I am pregnant! What a joy! What a triumph! How beautiful my body is and will become while my baby is growing inside of me. Read Jeremiah 1:5. I look back and know that this weight loss and weight gain journey needed to occur in order to appreciate this body in a way I could have never done so before. I will lose the weight one day, and I’m excited that it’ll be done with a true changed heart and for His glory. Proverbs 31:30 reminds us that charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. I’ll add that she also feels, for the first time, true and genuine joy (picture below) God bless.