Feel free to listen to this song while reading the blog post 🙂
There’s a peace I’ve come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There’s an anchor for my soul
I can say “It is well”
(Chris Tomlin, I Will Rise)
Last week had me feeling a little off. Things were unorganized, we were getting sick, and the level of tiredness that comes with being pregnant was (is) kicking in big time. This all led to a mind that was a little more restless and anxious than usual. My mind started wandering down a path I am way too familiar with, “What am I doing with my life?” “Am I bored?” “What are my goals?” At first – without realizing it – I was ignoring all of it with too much social media time – one of the many places that the enemy absolutely loves to work in people’s lives in a negative way. I was on it too much knowing very well that nothing I was reading or will ever read on social media aligns with the season of my life I’m in right now, a Christian stay at home mom who is ambitious for Jesus, her home and every single person in it. Finding someone in that same exact boat is like looking for a needle in a haystack! And the one soul that I know the best who is in the same season is all the way in Tampa and off any and every social media outlet haha (Good for her!) The one thing I know now that I did do differently was not seek advice from anyone that is not wholeheartedly in AND living the Word. Although friends can be encouraging the advice you receive from a worldly focused person vs a godly focused person is very (very) different. And I knew that if I heard the wrong advice it would only enable my thought process instead of redirecting it back to this season in my life. I could have even talked to my best friend and sister in Christ over in Tampa about it, but I was a little bit in a blur and even these realizations of where my mind was is only happening now that things are settled again.
Things started shifting back to normal towards the end of the week:
- The 1st ah-hah moment came in my Thursday night bible study when we read John 21:17 where Jesus tells Peter to feed his lambs. Although the author of the book references this to actually feeding the millions who are homeless and hungry in fervent prayer that night (I finally did what I should have been doing that whole week) I realized God had placed that verse in my heart that night for a reason. I had itty bitty lambs right here in the house that were sleeping soundly that need to be fed first and foremost. Ministry starts at home, and the times I was home in the past those thoughts that I mentioned in the beginning of this post took over way too much. My mind was often on to what I would do once the kids were older, what I needed to do to fulfill my needs and what I could do to make both work. I had convinced myself that if I didn’t do something else I couldn’t feel true peace or contentment. Let me add that I also knew staying home meant I’d always have a smaller home than my flesh would like (that the world tells you that you need), that I’d have to follow a budget and that I would not be able to spend freely and so forth. All in all, all those thoughts would lead to anxious days, feeling less than satisfactory, and holding on to some sort of resentment because I was barely present the way I am now – the way I’ve finally been for almost a year and a half.
- The 2nd ah-hah moment from God came on Friday when Ruben had decided to come home for lunch, and while we were chatting he asked me if I was going to go back to work. In that moment I realized he had probably sensed my energy that week. Ruben, unfortunately, was on the receiving end of my back and forth between working and being home full-time. He was always very well taken care of when I worked – he was with my mom and once he was 3 he was in a great (great) daycare. I know now that it was (is) never really ever about that. Of course no good parent will leave their child with anyone that won’t take good care of them, but the things you miss while you work is a lot. It’s something I’d brush off easily and simply didn’t want to admit back then, but it’s the truth. I can’t forget how rushed everything was before work and when I was finally home from work. There were rushed dinners, tired kids, frustrating homework time, laundry piled up for weeks, and a messy and unorganized home. See, God convicted my heart early in my walk with Christ by teaching me that being home full time is more than just being with the kids. It’s wholeheartedly providing for the home with which God entrusted you. Anyways, as I was getting ready to respond I smiled and got choked up because I knew God was working in my heart right there. I let him know genuinely and with confidence that I had zero intention of going back to work in a very long time and that I was committed 100% to his dad, him, Leslie, and the baby on the way. His little face lit up and he said he loved seeing me during lunch a few times a week, when he came home from school and that I had snacks ready for him, and that I volunteer in school more. He specifically said “I love seeing you come into my class, and I get to wave at you. My heart gets so happy mom. I even want to cry because I’m that happy” Interesting right? It’s not like these things weren’t happening before – difference is that it was my mom who was there after school to give him his snacks or when he was sick, and while either my husband or I tried to volunteer here and there even when we both did work he knew we were rushing back to work. So, this is different for him because it’s me, his mom, not his grandma. I can see how he feels more relaxed and secure because he knows I am much more available to him. I am not rushing to or back to work. I usually go back right home after having volunteering and he’ll say so happily “See you at 3:30, mom”
- The 3rd ah-hah moment came Friday afternoon as I watching Ruben and his friends in the middle of a playdate here at the house. Here I am in my home around 3:30pm hosting a few kids during a playdate because I can. I have been able to know who he hangs out with the most and hear their conversations. That, in today’s society, is a blessing. Afterwards, he hugged me tightly and said again “I love that you’re here.”
My heart and flesh failed last week (how the lyrics state) because I let my mind get sucked into worldly desires and thoughts affecting my most important mission, my husband and kids. The core of my heart wants nothing more than all of this right now: a quiet, humble, simple life serving my home cheerfully and peacefully because I know, without a doubt, that it is so very pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. I thanked Him this morning for all of the emotions, events, and realizations that took place last week in order to shake me up a bit. Philippians 4:12 says I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I uncovered that secret and for that reason at the end of each night, in comparison to just two years ago, there’s a peace I’ve come to know, it anchors me, and it is simply so very well with my soul.
God bless ❤